depression

I am miserably depressed... I feel like... something so bland.  I feel like there is no point to move on... like I just should give up.  I just cant express what its like really.  I dont have any desire... well I take that back.. I have desire, but I feel like I can never accomplish what I want and need to accomplish.  Ive made myself partially someone else... but the problem is I didnt have an identity to begin with.  I want to travel... to experience things... but to do that you have to have money... and to have money you have to deal with a lot of hurtful things.  I really dont want to hurt anyone... I want to help people.. but you cant help people without money either.
See... I wish that I could go all over the world and make people happy... but that I could be happy at the same time... I wish that there was a way that I could just do everything that I love... I know that there are people who get paid to do the things that they love... but how do they get in those positions?  What do they do just happen to stumble upon lady luck?
I want to play the piano, I want to draw and paint.  I want to write a book... I want to travel the world, try food from europe, asian, south american, anywhere I can find.  I want to have lunch in a Buddhist monastery,  I want to go to college at Harvard and study philosophy.  I dont want to go to ETSU and learn useless things that Im not going to use.  I want to study what Im interested in... I want to learn what I can use, and will use.  I dont want to learn knowledge that will just go away.
I want to study light, and how it affects the world around us... what its made out of... what it can do... how it affects colors and visual affects...
I want to study magic, I want to be able to perform little magic tricks with great skill, to entertain myself and both those I love.
I want to write a book... not really for any other reason that just to write a book.  would it really do good?